I have good news for you, and I have bad news. Let me begin with the bad news. For those of you who wish to change your teenager – you can’t. You cannot change your child. Only he can do that. Now, here’s the good news…you have complete control over your behavior, responses, and actions. So, you have enough control to dramatically influence the dynamics in your home, the communication in your family, and the relationships you hold dear. There is a lot that’s under your control….and all you need to do is be willing to look in the mirror and make some changes if necessary.

Here’s how this works: Sometimes your teenager might become sullen, or non-communicative, or moody. Rather than begin a blame game, or demand that she change her attitude, you might ask yourself “How can I maximize my influence in this situation?” Consider the attitude you are expressing; note your body language, your tone of voice, even your energy. Are these elements contributing to the problem, or are they moving you both toward the solution?

When you consider that your behavior is completely under your control, you realize you have a world of choices in front of you. When your teenager is angry or under pressure and lashes out at you or other family members you have a choice in how you handle it. You can escalate the negative feelings, or you can be a mitigating influence and calm things down. I won’t say this is always easy in the heat of the moment, but it most definitely is a choice. And, I would argue that the adults in this situation are probably better equipped to make the best choices.

It is empowering to realize that you have enormous influence in the environment that you create. If you feel as though your home has been taken over by negative energies from other family members, take back your power! Look in the mirror and figure out how to maximize your positive influence.

We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this free e-book with your colleagues and friends.

This is the third tip from my free downloadable e-book titled “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen.” You’ll find a link to the e-book at ParentingTeensInfo.com.

I have to give credit for this tip to the non-profit Freedom from Chemical Dependency. Their wise counsel to parents is to help your teen DELAY the start of using alcohol for as long as possible. Of course, waiting until they are LEGAL is the best strategy.

Are you of the opinion that it’s inevitable that your teen is going to drink? Not only is this dangerous, it gives your teen a message that is likely to create a self-fulfilling prophesy. Rather, consider that our culture can change, and in fact it has changed. America’s smoking habits have changed dramatically in the past twenty years, as have our habits around drinking and driving. Teenage drinking does not have be inevitable.

I’m going to give you four simple reasons why you’ll want to DELAY as long as possible your teen’s use of alcohol.

1. Kids have problems with alcohol dependence…many become addicted! Across our entire population, alcohol dependence rates are highest among 18 – 20 year olds.
2. Teens who begin drinking by age 15 are 5x more likely to become dependent than those who begin at 21.
3. The single biggest predictor of teens using illicit drugs is early use of alcohol.
4. Alcohol kills more kids than all illegal drugs combined.

Teenage drinking does not have to be a rite of passage, and those who drink to excess are “playing with fire.” Parents have more influence than anyone else on whether your teens drink. You’ll find more tips in the e-book, but here are a couple of specific things you can do:

• Give consistent messages regularly. Don’t waiver. Let your teen know what your expectations are and if they don’t live up to them apply consequences.
• Help your teen learn to say no so she can get out of awkward situations. It is helpful to actually do a role play with her because when she is under pressure it is easier for her to come up with the words if she has already heard them come out of her own mouth. Also, let your teen know you can be his excuse… being the “mean mom” isn’t always a terrible thing. Make sure you behave in a way that makes your teen know he can speak with you honestly because only when you have his trust can you guide him.

This is one of the most important topics you face… I hope you’ll make sure you are doing all you can to help keep your teenager safe. Drinking is not safe for teenagers.

We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this free e-book with your colleagues and friends.

Think back in your life to a time you failed, a time where you really made a mistake. I’ll bet you learned a lesson you haven’t forgotten. We learn a lot by our mistakes, don’t we? It is difficult as a parent to watch your child fail, or to see him or her experience pain. But this is part of life…no getting around it. And you need to make sure your teen isn’t too fragile to handle it. Learning they can survive a big disappointment, or failure even, helps kids develop “muscles” they will surely use as life goes on.

There is a lot of talk today about what we now call helicopter parenting. This refers to parents who hover too much. This kind of anxious, over-protective parenting may come from a place of good intentions, but in reality it undermines and diminishes a child’s sense of self, confidence and competence. Parents who parent this way often raise kids who become fragile, perfectionists who are afraid to step outside of their comfort zone and try new things because they don’t want to fail. New research is actually showing a linkage between this kind of parenting style and increased teen depression, anxiety and even substance abuse.

As a generation of parents we’ve managed and orchestrated our kids lives, soccer games, play dates, music lessons, community service, and more…and some of you need to learn how to step back a bit. Knowing when to intervene and when to hang back is a judgment call and you won’t always get it right. But you need to try hard to achieve a balance so that your kids can develop the skills and resilience they will need to manage and survive life’s ups and downs. Allowing your teen to “fail” may actually be doing him or her a favor. The kind of life skills your teenager needs to develop will require you to step back and give him more space. No room for helicoptering here!

We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this free e-book with your colleagues and friends.

Some have said that we only use 10% of our brain.  This is a myth that was perpetuated out of the work of Karl Lashley in the 1920s and 1930s. He found that when sections of a rat’s brain were removed, the rat would relearn certain tasks.   Now we know that the removal of even small areas of the human brain can have devastating effects on behavior.  It is more likely that we use 100% of our brain, but only use portions of the brain at any given time.

Read Entire Article

Communication changes when you have teens. “Duh!” you say. I know…it can be hard for parents who wonder why your teens don’t seem to want to talk with you like they used to. While many of their changes are reflective of their development – and therefore it’s more about them than you – there are some common mistakes that parents make in communicating with teens. Let’s look at three common mistakes and identify some techniques to use.

First, parents often fail to change your communication techniques. You see, it stands to reason that the old communication tactics that were effective when your kids were little are less effective, if for no other reason than they are undergoing such dynamic growth and change. With teens you’ll want to engage them in conversation rather than direct them. Listen with respect to what they have to say, and remember that they must develop their sense of voice and power. Be willing to negotiate (except on your few non-negotiable rules) and allow them input into the discussion and rules.

The second mistake parents make is problem-solving without being asked. When parents jump in to solve your teen’s problems you are giving the message that she isn’t capable to solve them herself. It’s best to listen and ask her if and how you might be able to help her.

Thirdly, parents are sometimes over-involved to save your teen from mistakes or pain. The experience of struggle, and even failure and pain helps a child to develop resilience and the knowledge that he can survive life’s ups and downs. Parents, check your responses carefully so you don’t suffocate your teen… say less and listen more. Of course you’ll need to use good judgment here, but it’s important to allow them to experience life.

The communication tactics that parents need to add into your repertoire are what I call “indirect communication” tactics. Rather than expect your teen to sit with you for long heart-to-heart talks, you need to become adept at reading your teen on the fly. Tune into body language; ask open ended questions; know your teen’s friends and engage them in conversation – appropriately – at every opportunity; know your teen’s friends parents; develop relationships with all the adults who play an important role in your teen’s life – teachers, coaches, youth leaders etc; use car-time to talk; stay up late occasionally and be on their schedule rather than yours. and going out of your way to do things together may create the most natural opportunities for pleasant communication.

Hope these ideas help you!

We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this free e-book with your colleagues and friends.

This is the second tip from my free downloadable e-book titled “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen.”

Love, boundaries and power are vitally important to your teenager. Let’s dig in on this.

LOVE: Is it an obvious statement to say that teens need love? I hope it is. As parents, it can be helpful to tune in to your behavior to make sure that the ways you are expressing love are 1.) age appropriate, and 2.) getting through to your teen. These are two important points. “Age appropriate” doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to be less expressive than you were when your teen was young, but it does mean your methods of expressing love should respect her growing maturity. And remember – the only messages that matter are the ones he hears. If your message of love isn’t getting through to him then you need to change the way you express it. Say “I love you,” with your words, and more importantly, show it with your actions. It takes both. Often the most effective way to show your love is in quiet ways….sit down to talk with him; take the time to really tune in to your teen’s feelings; don’t judge or jump in to solve their problems without being asked. And you need to know that the teens who seem to be the most unlovable need your love the most.

BOUNDARIES: Giving your teenager boundaries, or rules, is a concrete way of showing your love. Clear rules and expectations help to teach teenagers appropriate behavior, so they learn how to act. When a child knows what is expected of him or her, he learns self-control. Sometimes applying boundaries is very difficult for parents…and so you need to coach yourself here! You are the one who must stay committed, consistent and firm because you are more equipped to see long term consequences than your teenager is.

POWER: Teenagers need to develop and express their voice, their view, and their opinions. They want to make decisions for themselves, and with practice they will learn how to make good decisions and choices. The teen years are a time for kids to gradually gain power for their decisions, and for you to guide them as they go.

We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this free resource with your colleagues and friends.

The tricky part is that this development takes place during a time that is known for increased risk-taking behavior.  Because teens will try on new things to learn about themselves, it is important to help them understand how much their brain is changing and how they can take care of it during the teen years. This will help them to avoid things that can harm the brain, like substance use. It can also help them realize that they are not supposed to be able to think like an adult.  Part of a parent’s job is to create a space where their teen feels comfortable enough to ask for help .

Read Entire Article

This tip is the first of 8 that are covered in my

The most effective parents have a sense of where their teenager is in their journey toward adulthood. When you are knowledgeable about your teen’s development you are better equipped to understand him, to provide the guidance and support that will help him, and to enhance your relationship.

First, let’s understand what we mean by “adolescent development.” Think of a fruit ripening….say a banana. You would no sooner eat a hard green unripe banana than you would expect a one year old to write her name. Fruit – and kids – ripen on their own natural time table. “Development” is a natural process of unfolding, of becoming what one will grow into naturally. There is little you can do to impact this timetable. While each teenager is certainly unique, there are some general characteristics to the timetable for developing adolescents, and parents who learn about their teens’ journey will have realistic expectations, and fewer surprises. Keeping up on this will require ongoing effort on your part during these fast-changing teen years.

How do you become an expert in adolescent development? By accessing all the information that you can: read books, articles, access programs and resources from school, the general media and websites like ParentingTeensInfo.com. This should be an area about which you are continually curious. Observe your teen and her friends; note their sense of humor as it grows in sophistication; observe the way they develop and express empathy for others, tune into their use of language as their mental abilities grow and as they understand more abstract concepts. All of these areas demonstrate growth, and by tuning in you can help your teens expand their capabilities even more.

Here is one important point about teens and development that parents should know: Kids develop physically, cognitively, emotionally, sexually and socially. Parents are often not aware that these areas of development are not well coordinated or synchronized, especially in younger teens. What often happens is a kid may be ahead of the curve in one area of development, and behind in another. This can explain why you may see a 7th grade boy who is a confident social leader but looks like he belongs in 5th grade, or a physically well developed 9th grade girl who is behind a bit emotionally. This kind of variation in development is perfectly normal and typical in teens. As I’ve said before: parents need to be sure you don’t judge a teen’s maturity by his or her visible physical characteristics ….do not judge this book by its cover.

Study adolescent development. And I’ll help you get started in our downloadable e-book Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen which is free in the resources section at www.ParentingTeensInfo.com.

We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this resource with your colleagues and friends.

Shame undermines one’s confidence, and if you are a teenager your confidence is likely to be fragile anyway. So even if your teenager has done something very dumb and needs to have a serious correction, you don’t want to shame him… that would be counter-productive.

Susan’s daughter Jenny was spending a lot of time at her friend’s house where there wasn’t much supervision, and Susan’s sixth sense made her uneasy about it. This was the hangout for the older brother and his friends, and 14 year old Jenny found their attention flattering. Susan was understandably upset when she went over there and found her daughter in a compromising position… and yet Susan bit her tongue, responding carefully. Wisely, she took her time dealing with the situation, knowing how fragile her daughter’s feelings were. If Susan had said what she wanted to… and scolded and shamed Jenny, she might have further diminished Jenny’s sense of self. This smart mom understood that for Jenny to learn from and move past this unpleasant experience she needed all the confidence and strength she could muster…and this informed Susan’s choice of words and actions.

Your teenager is going to make mistakes and need correction. While you guide your teen to learn from his mistakes, try to do this in a way that is positive and builds him up…for helping your teen develop a strong sense of self is essential to developing his ability to say “no” at times, to extricate himself from bad situations, and to ultimately make choices that reflect his values. This won’t always be easy and you may have to bite your tongue as you think strategically and control what you say.

Tread carefully. Try not to over-react. Think things through before you respond to delicate situations, and when you do respond it’s best to do it privately. Helping your teen to save face ensures you are on the same side of the table, not adversaries with opposing goals.

Being present to what your child needs in the face of your own heartbreak, grief and/or anger is easier said then done. Regardless of divorce, life keeps parents busy with things like family, work, school, relationships, and health and well-being.

Read Entire Post