Keep a Lid on Your Fears – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
Several years ago when I conducted a survey of parents of teenagers I asked the question “What is the biggest fear you have for your teenager today?” Some of the responses surprised and concerned me. I had numerous parents say “I am afraid my teenager won’t make it out of his teens ALIVE!”
Wow! These parents were really afraid! They were worried at a life and death level! Fear can’t really get much stronger than that, can it? While I certainly understand that, when raising teens, the stakes are high and worries can arise, I hope, for your sake, you aren’t fearful to this degree.
You see, fear is terribly counter-productive in a parent-child relationship. If you parent from fear you will surely undermine the very relationship you are trying to nurture. When you are fearful you lose the ability to be objective and to really hear what your teen is saying to you. You tend to over react rather than give thoughtfully considered responses. Fear colors your world, it communicates negativity, it may make your child fearful, and it diminishes your credibility with your teen.
One woman told me that, upon reflection, she realized parenting from fear had led her to try to fix her son all through his high school years, only to realize too late that he wasn’t broken! Parents can get off track, way off track, if fear takes over. It undermines relationships, it takes joy out of life, and it is a terrible waste of time and energy.
If you have good reason to be fearful – if your child is using drugs, drinking and driving, dealing with depression or other mental health issues, etc. – there may be good reasons to be afraid. Under circumstances like that you need to get professional input to help your teen through these problems and to help you cope effectively.
But don’t allow fear to overtake you. Keep your head about you and work to develop a perspective that enables you to go with the flow. Find a support network so you have a place to vent, and to get advice. If necessary, take action to address your concerns. But don’t parent from fear; keep a lid on it for your sake, and for your teen’s.
Read MoreTeach Your Teen to Argue Well – 2 Minute Tips for Parenting Teens
2MT:
I would imagine that arguing with your teenager may be one of your least favorite activities….something you dread, avoid and give in to as little as possible. That would reflect my feelings as well. However, there has been some recent research indicating that parents who teach their kids to argue well are actually helping them say no to drugs and alcohol. How do these two things connect? This is an interesting study, so listen up.
There are numerous ways parents can respond during an argument with teenagers. You can yell, roll your eyes, put them down, play your power card for all it’s worth, OR you can engage with, model and teach your teen how to be calm, confident and persuasive in an argument. The last approach has benefits to kids.
The researchers from University of Virginia who conducted this study learned that parents who interacted with teens during an argument in a way that helped them learn to state their case convincingly and with confidence, helped the teens develop these skills. The teens who learned to present their case with confidence to their parents learned also to confidently disagree with their peers…and these same teens were 40% more likely to say “no” to drugs and alcohol. This seems to infer that the confidence gained from learning to argue effectively with one’s parents spills over to additional confidence when dealing with other teens. As stated in a report on the study from NPR: “Effective arguing acted as something of an inoculation against negative peer pressure. Ironically, the best thing parents can do is help your teen argue more effectively.” On the other hand, the teens who back down or give up in an argument with their parents are more likely to acquiesce when offered drugs or alcohol.
When you listen to your kids, you show them respect. It’s pretty straightforward, really. And in the study when parents listened to their kids, their kids listened back. They didn’t always agree, but they listened. And that is the key to success in parent – child communication.
Arguing may not be fun, but tremendously important teaching takes place in all forms of family communication. Listen to your teen… help her learn to be effective, confident and persuasive in her arguments. It will have positive impacts in many ways you can’t even forsee.
Read MoreOffer Predictable Time – 2 Minute Tips for Parenting Teens
My friend surprised a group of us one night when she told us that she still put her son to bed at night. That her son was a junior in high school and 6’2” made it particularly difficult to imagine, hence our surprise. As she described this further she told us about their ritual: when he was ready and in bed she would go into his room, close the door and sit there in the dark with him. Some nights nothing was said between them. Sometimes she rubbed his back, and sometimes he shared deep and personal thoughts.
What is so brilliant about this is she gave predictable time to her son. He knew he would get her undivided attention regularly, and he would have a comfortable time and place to talk about personal, and possibly difficult things with her. Knowing he would have that time with her made it so much easier for him.
In our way-too-busy lives, it is often the one-on-one time that is sacrificed. Too often the time you share with your teen is fleeting and rushed. Here’s the problem with that: if your teen wants to talk about something difficult or sensitive she has to chase you down to do it. Unfortunately, that is unlikely to happen; rather than chase you down she’ll probably go to a friend. If you want your teen to confide in you about sensitive things it will be more likely to happen if he knows he can count on regular personal time with you. My friend’s ritual with her son at bedtime is a great example of just that.
If bedtime won’t work for you and your teenager, think about the kinds of rituals or “predictable time” that will work. Perhaps it is a weekly trip to the coffee shop or a regular tennis game with a relaxed stop on the way home. Your teen won’t always share intimate and personal thoughts with you. The key is to provide the opportunity in a time and place that is predictable and comfortable for your teenager.
Minus that it is unlikely to happen.
Read MoreBe Aware of Your Body Language – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
Body language speaks volumes. Whether you are aware of it or not, I’m sure you are reading the body language of everyone you come in contact with – from the cashiers at the check out counter to your teens and family members. We communicate through words, tone of voice and body language; and research shows that of those three modalities, body language communicates the most! I imagine that as your teen rushes out the door in the morning you observe what kind of a mood he is in by how he is holding himself; words are often not necessary to paint this picture.
What parents often fail to tune into though, is the messages we send out through our body language. Let me tell you about one of my experiences – this one isn’t much fun to remember. My daughter and I had been at odds over her going to a particular event; I knew she was expecting to go and yet I had no intention of allowing it. As we came closer to the event, though, I learned that her Dad had given her permission! You can imagine the aftermath of that discovery… it wasn’t pretty, I’ll admit. After the war was over and we were trying to put the pieces back together she said something to me that I’ll never forget. She said, “Mom, why would I have asked you for permission? You made it very clear you would never say yes.” She had read my body language and was certain she wouldn’t get a fair hearing. And I had to agree she was right. I was communicating volumes without giving her the chance to be heard, and in doing so I was successful at completely cutting off any productive communication that could have occurred.
To be intentional about your body language requires to you be, well… intentional. You need to tune in, be aware of what you want to communicate, and be sure that your body language is supporting that. Sometimes what you are actually feeling inside may be different than what you want to communicate to your teen, so this is where intention becomes really important. If you are worried about her or don’t like what you think is going on, but you want to truly be open to listen, you will need to be careful about what message you are giving through your body language.
Here are a few simple things you can do to help communicate openness:
- Maintain eye contact
- Lean forward
- Open your stance
- Nod understanding.
I predict for many of you a new awareness of what you communicate with your body may enable you to make some changes that will positively impact your relationship with your teenager.
Read MoreBe the Even Keel – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
I was speaking on the phone recently to a mom named Carolyn who was bemoaning the dramas involved in raising a daughter in middle school. “I don’t know how much longer I can stand this,” she said. “My daughter is on such a rollercoaster. Everything in her life is high drama it seems, whether it is relationships, boyfriends, social activities, managing her time; even dealing with teachers and homework yields drama! Her reactions to everything are so intense it disrupts everyone in our home.”
Ah yes, middle school dramas. Carolyn wouldn’t be the first parent to face them and find herself wondering what on earth is going on.
For many teenagers, high drama is rather typical behavior. Teenagers feel their emotions at twice the intensity of adults, and many of them they have not yet learned how to temper their reactions. The way a parent responds to a teenager who is generating and exhibiting dramatic behavior is important. The way in which you respond can create more waves and intensify already high emotions, or you can be the even keel and help settle things down. It’s pretty clear which is the more productive response. This can get difficult though because when a child over-reacts and carries on, it can change the environment all around them in a way that tends to make others respond in kind.
Don’t get sucked in. Don’t respond in kind. If you find yourself wanting to respond on their level, walk away from the situation until you regroup and can offer a calm and reasonable affect.
Many a parent has discovered that kids will often respond to you in a similar fashion to the way you speak to them. If you are yelling and upset, that’s what you’ll get back. If you are calm and reasonable you are more likely to see that behavior offered back to you. In the case of the drama queens it make take a lot of patience from a parent, but if you don’t allow yourself to respond their way and instead, change the energy around you, you may find a little less drama in your home.
Remember – be the even keel.
Read MoreDevelop and Nurture a Support Network – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
This is the 8th and last tip from my free downloadable e-book titled “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen.”
It is remarkable how many parents of teenagers are not really connected to one another. In our crazy-busy culture it has become too easy for parents to be isolated …and this is to your detriment, as well as your family’s.
There are many benefits to being connected with other parents: When you have other parents to talk with about the issues you face and the feelings you experience as the parent of a teenager, you learn you are not alone. You learn that your experiences are not unique….that all parents can go through challenges as your teenagers become more independent, as they pull away from you, as they challenge your authority and as they sometimes make mistakes. It is helpful to have your experiences and feelings validated by your peers. When you nurture and develop a supportive network of parents, you can compare notes, help one another strategize and come up with new approaches, you can vent and you all benefit as you find your sense of humor.
One thing that prevents parents from connecting with one another is fear of being judged. The most effective thing you can do to ease your fear of being judged, is to cease judging others. Be active and vocal in your support of other parents and understand that it takes a village to raise a child. Parents who unite to support one another help to keep kids – and communities- safe.
How can you go about developing and nurturing a support network? Book groups are a popular forum for parent connection and can help you focus your discussion. You can create such a group among friends, through your teen’s school, or with colleagues at work. Many people have found that it’s worthwhile to reach beyond your personal network of friends in a parent support group setting. Remember to have an open mind as you discuss issues together; you don’t have to agree, and you are likely to learn the most from people who are least like you. This can be enlightening and helpful in your parenting.
Another way to do this is to use my guide created just for this purpose; it’s titled Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride. It is a parent support group program in a book. It offers recommendations for organizing your group, and provides everything you’ll need for your discussions. Over the course of the 8 meetings you will discuss the range of issues that typical families face. This program has been used across the country since 2003. You can see a short video about the program here.
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