Hi – Sue Blaney here with your Parenting Tip from Parenting Teens Info.com

My tip this week is to
Validate your teen’s feelings >>Listen

When your teenager is feeling badly about something, do you hear yourself saying things like: “Oh don’t feel that way.”  Or “Don’t make it such a big deal.”  Your comments are probably well-intentioned, and you do have some wisdom because you’re more experienced, but you may actually be making your teen feel worse, not better. Let’s discuss why that is, and what might make better responses.

There are a couple of things going on here. First, parents often want to help their kids problem-solve, but that isn’t always the type of input your teenager needs… s/he might not want your advice at this time. And solving your teenager’s problems for her may rob her of the opportunity to develop those skills herself. Next, parents find it difficult to see our kids in pain. Well, we can’t take our teens’ pain away, but we can make it worse by telling them that what they are feeling is really “no big deal.” To your teenager, what he’s feeling may be a very big deal! Diminishing those feelings can be perceived as a put-down, and can make him feel worse. Besides, it’s a helpful life-lesson for kids to learn that life comes with ups and downs….learning to weather the storms teaches them resilience and patience. You wouldn’t want to deprive your teen of developing those attributes now, would you?

The best approach is simply to respect and validate your teenager’s feelings. Reflect back to her what she expresses, say: “Oh that must make you feel really angry!” Or “I can see why that’s frustrating to you!” That kind of validation is often appreciated. If you’re not sure if your teenager wants your advice, ask him directly:  “What would you like from me right now? Do you want me to share my thoughts or just listen?”

Even as an adult, you don’t want someone jumping in to solve your problems all the time…sometimes all you need is someone to listen and to make you feel heard. Try the same approach with your teenager….it demonstrates your respect.

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Teens…….

Til next time…I'm Sue Blaney.