The Practice of “Still Lake” in Your Parenting
How would you complete the sentence, “Parenting is……”?
It is pretty amazing, isn’t it? Becoming a parent immediately changes you. From that moment forward, you put your child’s needs ahead of your own. Parenting is one of the few things that can make you strive to be the best person you can be. Sometimes, it is smooth sailing. Other times, it is the perfect storm. You may find yourself challenged by the very things that make you who you are as a person. Your personality, past experiences, expectations, and hopes can get in the way of you having the kind of interaction you want to have with your teen. Sometimes we say or do things we don’t mean. Other times, we are simply stuck. When we feel lost, we turn to friends, other parents, books, health professions, or anyone else we trust to provide us with honest and helpful advice. We do all of this in an effort to raise happy and healthy children.
In a conversation over dinner the other night, I was reminded how fortunate I am to have people with whom I can share this journey. Our conversation made me think of a symbol from my Tae Kwon Do practice. This symbol is called “Still Lake“, which means “strong on the inside, calm and gentle on the outside”. It represents a person’s ability to live with grace and confidence. It is a reminder that one does not have to be ”tough” to be “strong” and it is symbolic of being aware of oneself and the impact that you have on those around you. It is about having poise in your interactions with others. This symbol represents being comfortable enough in who you are to be truly present with someone else. Still Lake can exist in all relationships, with one of the biggest being your relationship with your teen. You can practice still lake in your parenting by focusing on: (1) having an empty mind, (2) removing the meaning, and (3) cleaning things up.
Read MoreWhat’s Going On? My Teen Seems So Far Away!
One of the barriers to communication is the naturally occurring distancing that takes place during adolescence. Communication during the teen years can be especially challenging because of the rapid changes that occur in their physical bodies and social worlds. The first thing to remember is that as your child moves through the teen years, he/she will become more private. Teens often move toward writing in their journal, hiding in their bedroom, and holding private conversations with friends via text or instant message. Recently, a mom who was trying to monitor her teen’s use of Facebook and cell phone told me, “My 12-year old hates it when I am in her business. The other day she screamed ‘Don’t read my texts! That is just weird. I don’t want you to see my private conversations!’”
Think back to your own adolescence. Were there certain things that you really didn’t want to talk to your parents about? How did you decide what to share and what to keep to yourself? The truth is, most often teen are not trying to be devious or dishonest; they are simply in the process of separating themselves from their parents.
Read MoreThe Adolescent Brain: What Stays? What Goes?
The brain is a powerful and mysterious thing! It is functioning all of the time, day and night. Certain parts of the brain even have multiple pathways to perform the same task……just in case something goes wrong. There is an entire body of science looking exclusively at what our brain does when we are sleeping. Another body of science examines how the brain changes during childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. And another body of science looks at how brain activity is linked to social behavior. In fact, one of the most fascinating developments in social science research is that we now have empirical evidence to explain actual behavior. For example, there is evidence that certain areas of the brain develop 3 years slower for those diagnosed with ADD than for those without ADD.
Some have said that we only use 10% of our brain. This is a myth that was perpetuated out of the work of Karl Lashley in the 1920s and 1930s. He found that when sections of a rat’s brain were removed, the rat would relearn certain tasks. Now we know that the removal of even small areas of the human brain can have devastating effects on behavior. It is more likely that we use 100% of our brain, but only use portions of the brain at any given time.
Read MoreWhat Where You Thinking?!?! Understanding the Prefrontal Cortex of the Teenage Brain
Have you ever asked your teen, “What were you thinking” and gotten the answer, “I wasn’t” or “I don’t know.” Durning adolescence, the teenage brain is undergoing subtle, but dynamic changes, all in the midst of major physiological, psychological, and social transitions. Overall, theses changes lead to more sophisticated thinking skills and increases in their ability to process emotions.
The tricky part is that this development takes place during a time that is known for increased risk-taking behavior. Because teens will try on new things to learn about themselves, it is important to help them understand how much their brain is changing and how they can take care of it during the teen years. This will help them to avoid things that can harm the brain, like substance use. It can also help them realize that they are not supposed to be able to think like an adult. Part of a parent’s job is to create a space where their teen feels comfortable enough to ask for help .
Read MorePractical Tips for Parenting Children of All Ages Through Divorce
Whether you are going through a divorce, or you know someone who is, this information can help you understand what children of divorce need from their parents and other adults in their lives. You can either use this information yourself, or share it with those who are seeking tips for helping their children through this transition. Adolescence is already a tumultuous time. It is a time when your children are trying to understand themselves as they experience major growth in all areas of their lives: physically, cognitively, socially, emotionally, and morally. And, parenting teens is already a challenging task. It is a task that requires insight and understanding. It challenges us to put our own “stuff” aside and focus on what is best for the healthy development of our child. Divorce can take these “normal” challenges to a whole new level
Being present to what your child needs in the face of your own heartbreak, grief and/or anger is easier said then done. Regardless of divorce, life keeps parents busy with things like family, work, school, relationships, and health and well-being.
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