Build on Your Teen’s Strengths – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
No kid likes to be criticized. Frankly, I don’t know too many adults who enjoy it either. However, as parents, we know we need to teach them and correct them and guide them. Trouble is, we’re often so busy we fail to take the time to gently redirect, or teach or correct them…there is a technique to doing this that makes this medicine go down a whole lot easier.
Have you heard of the sandwich method of communication? It works like this: think of a hamburger in a bun. Your bun represents positive comments that reinforce what your teen is doing well. In order for your teen to sink her teeth into the hamburg patty – where the corrections lie – she has to go through the bun first. In other words, when your corrections or criticisms are surrounded on both sides by positive reinforcement and references to what she does well the corrective comments are a whole lot easier to swallow.
A colleague of mine was just today recounting her recent review at work. She was appalled that her supervisor gave her only criticism – no positive comments at all. And I know she’s a smart woman and good worker. People simply forget sometimes to take the time to take feelings into account, to consider how information will be received, and to pursue a kinder way to present it.
As parents, I know you care deeply about your teenager’s feelings….so while you are teaching, correcting and guiding your teen, make sure that you provide regular and even frequent positive comments that build on his strengths.
Read MoreThree Great Ideas from Parents Like You – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
Many times parents share with me their excellent ideas and strategies for raising teenagers. I’m going to share three of them that stand out in my memory. Let this remind you that your friends and fellow parents also have lots of great ideas to share – so remember to talk to them to hear what they have to say.
Idea #1: Curfews and alarm clocks: Parents often struggle to stay awake until your teens come home, and for some of you this can be difficult. For those of you who need the shut-eye and take curfew seriously, this suggestion can help: put your alarm clock outside your bedroom door, set for your teenager’s curfew time. When he arrives home on time, he will turn the alarm off. And if he doesn’t come home on time, you’ll be awakened by the alarm so you’ll know and can take the necessary action.
Idea #2: The “No Questions Asked” card: This mom wanted to ensure her daughter’s safety. Knowing that teens sometimes get involved in behavior that can be dangerous, this mom felt that it was less important that she know all the details, and more important that her daughter feel comfortable calling her when and if she needed help extricating herself from a situation. So she allowed her daughter one “no questions asked” card. That simply meant that her daughter could call her and was not required to give her mom any details that she did not want to share. This idea isn’t for everyone, but it worked well given this mom’s priorities and values.
Idea #3: “Don’t make me give you a quick answer:” This mom had a hard and fast rule with her kids: if they pressured her for a quick response the answer was “no.” She told me about the time her daughter was with a friend and they were hoping to get permission to go to the mall. Her mom wanted to think about it and yet she sensed her daughter’s urgency for a reply. She asked her daughter “do you want an answer now?” to which her daughter replied “No!” She said the look of puzzlement on the friend’s face was pretty funny.
Do you have some helpful ideas or suggestions to share? I’d love to hear them and share them. Please contribute your thoughts on my Facebook page (Facebook/ParentingTeenagers) or post your comment on the blog.
Read MoreKeep a Lid on Your Fears – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
Several years ago when I conducted a survey of parents of teenagers I asked the question “What is the biggest fear you have for your teenager today?” Some of the responses surprised and concerned me. I had numerous parents say “I am afraid my teenager won’t make it out of his teens ALIVE!”
Wow! These parents were really afraid! They were worried at a life and death level! Fear can’t really get much stronger than that, can it? While I certainly understand that, when raising teens, the stakes are high and worries can arise, I hope, for your sake, you aren’t fearful to this degree.
You see, fear is terribly counter-productive in a parent-child relationship. If you parent from fear you will surely undermine the very relationship you are trying to nurture. When you are fearful you lose the ability to be objective and to really hear what your teen is saying to you. You tend to over react rather than give thoughtfully considered responses. Fear colors your world, it communicates negativity, it may make your child fearful, and it diminishes your credibility with your teen.
One woman told me that, upon reflection, she realized parenting from fear had led her to try to fix her son all through his high school years, only to realize too late that he wasn’t broken! Parents can get off track, way off track, if fear takes over. It undermines relationships, it takes joy out of life, and it is a terrible waste of time and energy.
If you have good reason to be fearful – if your child is using drugs, drinking and driving, dealing with depression or other mental health issues, etc. – there may be good reasons to be afraid. Under circumstances like that you need to get professional input to help your teen through these problems and to help you cope effectively.
But don’t allow fear to overtake you. Keep your head about you and work to develop a perspective that enables you to go with the flow. Find a support network so you have a place to vent, and to get advice. If necessary, take action to address your concerns. But don’t parent from fear; keep a lid on it for your sake, and for your teen’s.
Read MoreTeach Your Teen to Argue Well – 2 Minute Tips for Parenting Teens
2MT:
I would imagine that arguing with your teenager may be one of your least favorite activities….something you dread, avoid and give in to as little as possible. That would reflect my feelings as well. However, there has been some recent research indicating that parents who teach their kids to argue well are actually helping them say no to drugs and alcohol. How do these two things connect? This is an interesting study, so listen up.
There are numerous ways parents can respond during an argument with teenagers. You can yell, roll your eyes, put them down, play your power card for all it’s worth, OR you can engage with, model and teach your teen how to be calm, confident and persuasive in an argument. The last approach has benefits to kids.
The researchers from University of Virginia who conducted this study learned that parents who interacted with teens during an argument in a way that helped them learn to state their case convincingly and with confidence, helped the teens develop these skills. The teens who learned to present their case with confidence to their parents learned also to confidently disagree with their peers…and these same teens were 40% more likely to say “no” to drugs and alcohol. This seems to infer that the confidence gained from learning to argue effectively with one’s parents spills over to additional confidence when dealing with other teens. As stated in a report on the study from NPR: “Effective arguing acted as something of an inoculation against negative peer pressure. Ironically, the best thing parents can do is help your teen argue more effectively.” On the other hand, the teens who back down or give up in an argument with their parents are more likely to acquiesce when offered drugs or alcohol.
When you listen to your kids, you show them respect. It’s pretty straightforward, really. And in the study when parents listened to their kids, their kids listened back. They didn’t always agree, but they listened. And that is the key to success in parent – child communication.
Arguing may not be fun, but tremendously important teaching takes place in all forms of family communication. Listen to your teen… help her learn to be effective, confident and persuasive in her arguments. It will have positive impacts in many ways you can’t even forsee.
Read MoreOffer Predictable Time – 2 Minute Tips for Parenting Teens
My friend surprised a group of us one night when she told us that she still put her son to bed at night. That her son was a junior in high school and 6’2” made it particularly difficult to imagine, hence our surprise. As she described this further she told us about their ritual: when he was ready and in bed she would go into his room, close the door and sit there in the dark with him. Some nights nothing was said between them. Sometimes she rubbed his back, and sometimes he shared deep and personal thoughts.
What is so brilliant about this is she gave predictable time to her son. He knew he would get her undivided attention regularly, and he would have a comfortable time and place to talk about personal, and possibly difficult things with her. Knowing he would have that time with her made it so much easier for him.
In our way-too-busy lives, it is often the one-on-one time that is sacrificed. Too often the time you share with your teen is fleeting and rushed. Here’s the problem with that: if your teen wants to talk about something difficult or sensitive she has to chase you down to do it. Unfortunately, that is unlikely to happen; rather than chase you down she’ll probably go to a friend. If you want your teen to confide in you about sensitive things it will be more likely to happen if he knows he can count on regular personal time with you. My friend’s ritual with her son at bedtime is a great example of just that.
If bedtime won’t work for you and your teenager, think about the kinds of rituals or “predictable time” that will work. Perhaps it is a weekly trip to the coffee shop or a regular tennis game with a relaxed stop on the way home. Your teen won’t always share intimate and personal thoughts with you. The key is to provide the opportunity in a time and place that is predictable and comfortable for your teenager.
Minus that it is unlikely to happen.
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