Think “Basics” – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens

Posted by Sue Blaney on Feb 24, 2012 in 2 minute tips, Blog | 1 comment

2MT:
This is the 7th tip from my free downloadable e-book titled “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen.” You’ll find a link to the e-book at ParentingTeensInfo.com.

Have you felt as though you were overcome at times with worry and concern as you raise your teenager? When this happens it’s best to get grounded and simply focus on the basics. Truly, as complicated as you may feel parenting teenagers has become in our culture today, the basics have not changed. And the basics are the key to your success. What do I mean by the basics? They are: time, attitude, support and respect. Here are some good questions to help you evaluate yourself in these areas.

Ask yourself:

• How am I spending my time? Am I giving enough time and focus to my family? While finding time may be a challenge for you, nothing replaces time spent with family.
• What kind of an attitude am I projecting? Am I pleasant to be around? Sometimes when we are worried we project fear and end up being so unpleasant we inadvertently push our kids away.
• In my efforts to support my teenager am I helping him feel competent or am I undermining his success? When parents are concerned about grades or performance we need to be careful; we have a tendency to disempower kids by putting them down or by over-using a heavy hand. And remember, providing support doesn’t always mean being actively involved; sometimes you can best support your teen by stepping back and giving him more power.
• Am I respecting her feelings and allowing her the space to express them? Again, when we are worried we tend to want to get on our soapbox and dictate to our teen how to behave or feel. It will work out better if we allow her to express what is going on inside of her first. Once her feelings are out we’ll know better how to respond and support her.

And of course your bottom-line question is:

• Am I expressing my love? Expressing love comes in many forms….sometimes a light and humorous approach is best, and sometimes it means you make some hard decisions, or have a difficult conversation. Don’t push problems under the rug…face them, talk about them and get help if necessary.

Your teenager is counting on you to help him through the thick and thin. And the basics of time, attitude, support and respect are always the place to begin.

We’ll continue with another secret from Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen in next week’s 2 minute tip. Please feel free to share this resource with your friends and colleagues.

Look in the Mirror – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens

Posted by Sue Blaney on Feb 17, 2012 in 2 minute tips, Blog | 0 comments

2MT:
This is the 6th tip from my free downloadable e-book titled “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen.”

I have good news for you, and I have bad news. Let me begin with the bad news. For those of you who wish to change your teenager – you can’t. You cannot change your child. Only he can do that. Now, here’s the good news…you have complete control over your behavior, responses, and actions. So, you have enough control to dramatically influence the dynamics in your home, the communication in your family, and the relationships you hold dear. There is a lot that’s under your control….and all you need to do is be willing to look in the mirror and make some changes if necessary.

Here’s how this works: Sometimes your teenager might become sullen, or non-communicative, or moody. Rather than begin a blame game, or demand that she change her attitude, you might ask yourself “How can I maximize my influence in this situation?” Consider the attitude you are expressing; note your body language, your tone of voice, even your energy. Are these elements contributing to the problem, or are they moving you both toward the solution?

When you consider that your behavior is completely under your control, you realize you have a world of choices in front of you. When your teenager is angry or under pressure and lashes out at you or other family members you have a choice in how you handle it. You can escalate the negative feelings, or you can be a mitigating influence and calm things down. I won’t say this is always easy in the heat of the moment, but it most definitely is a choice. And, I would argue that the adults in this situation are probably better equipped to make the best choices.

It is empowering to realize that you have enormous influence in the environment that you create. If you feel as though your home has been taken over by negative energies from other family members, take back your power! Look in the mirror and figure out how to maximize your positive influence.

We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this free e-book with your colleagues and friends.

Delay, delay, delay – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens

Posted by Sue Blaney on Feb 10, 2012 in 2 minute tips, Blog | 0 comments

2MT:

This is the third tip from my free downloadable e-book titled “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen.” You’ll find a link to the e-book at ParentingTeensInfo.com.

I have to give credit for this tip to the non-profit Freedom from Chemical Dependency. Their wise counsel to parents is to help your teen DELAY the start of using alcohol for as long as possible. Of course, waiting until they are LEGAL is the best strategy.

Are you of the opinion that it’s inevitable that your teen is going to drink? Not only is this dangerous, it gives your teen a message that is likely to create a self-fulfilling prophesy. Rather, consider that our culture can change, and in fact it has changed. America’s smoking habits have changed dramatically in the past twenty years, as have our habits around drinking and driving. Teenage drinking does not have be inevitable.

I’m going to give you four simple reasons why you’ll want to DELAY as long as possible your teen’s use of alcohol.

1. Kids have problems with alcohol dependence…many become addicted! Across our entire population, alcohol dependence rates are highest among 18 – 20 year olds.
2. Teens who begin drinking by age 15 are 5x more likely to become dependent than those who begin at 21.
3. The single biggest predictor of teens using illicit drugs is early use of alcohol.
4. Alcohol kills more kids than all illegal drugs combined.

Teenage drinking does not have to be a rite of passage, and those who drink to excess are “playing with fire.” Parents have more influence than anyone else on whether your teens drink. You’ll find more tips in the e-book, but here are a couple of specific things you can do:

• Give consistent messages regularly. Don’t waiver. Let your teen know what your expectations are and if they don’t live up to them apply consequences.
• Help your teen learn to say no so she can get out of awkward situations. It is helpful to actually do a role play with her because when she is under pressure it is easier for her to come up with the words if she has already heard them come out of her own mouth. Also, let your teen know you can be his excuse… being the “mean mom” isn’t always a terrible thing. Make sure you behave in a way that makes your teen know he can speak with you honestly because only when you have his trust can you guide him.

This is one of the most important topics you face… I hope you’ll make sure you are doing all you can to help keep your teenager safe. Drinking is not safe for teenagers.

We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this free e-book with your colleagues and friends.

Allow Your Teen to Fail – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens

Posted by Sue Blaney on Feb 3, 2012 in 2 minute tips, Blog | 0 comments

2MT:
This is the fourth tip from my free downloadable e-book titled “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen.”

Think back in your life to a time you failed, a time where you really made a mistake. I’ll bet you learned a lesson you haven’t forgotten. We learn a lot by our mistakes, don’t we? It is difficult as a parent to watch your child fail, or to see him or her experience pain. But this is part of life…no getting around it. And you need to make sure your teen isn’t too fragile to handle it. Learning they can survive a big disappointment, or failure even, helps kids develop “muscles” they will surely use as life goes on.

There is a lot of talk today about what we now call helicopter parenting. This refers to parents who hover too much. This kind of anxious, over-protective parenting may come from a place of good intentions, but in reality it undermines and diminishes a child’s sense of self, confidence and competence. Parents who parent this way often raise kids who become fragile, perfectionists who are afraid to step outside of their comfort zone and try new things because they don’t want to fail. New research is actually showing a linkage between this kind of parenting style and increased teen depression, anxiety and even substance abuse.

As a generation of parents we’ve managed and orchestrated our kids lives, soccer games, play dates, music lessons, community service, and more…and some of you need to learn how to step back a bit. Knowing when to intervene and when to hang back is a judgment call and you won’t always get it right. But you need to try hard to achieve a balance so that your kids can develop the skills and resilience they will need to manage and survive life’s ups and downs. Allowing your teen to “fail” may actually be doing him or her a favor. The kind of life skills your teenager needs to develop will require you to step back and give him more space. No room for helicoptering here!

We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this free e-book with your colleagues and friends.