Why Do Teens Lie? What Can Parents Do?
Any parent who has caught their child in a lie knows that sinking, sick feeling you get in your stomach. Your relationship is based on trust, and the wound feels very deep when that trust is breached. Lying isn’t always what it seems, though. It may not mean your teenager is embarking on a lifetime of deceit and dishonesty. Let’s take a look at the common causes for this behavior.
There are three fundamental reasons why otherwise respectable teenagers may lie to their parents. One is a developmental issue, one is a communication issue and thirdly, it’s a test. Let me explain through some scenarios.
Scenario One: Adam is a sophomore, and his best friend, Charles, is 8 months older and already has his drivers license. Charles has a junior operators license making it illegal for him to drive with friends in the car for his first six months, but he often does it anyway. Adam’s parents have forbidden him to drive with Charles – a rule which feels very restrictive to him. Last Friday after school, a group of boys were heading out with Charles to attend a tournament soccer game in a nearby town, and Adam couldn’t stand it anymore. After telling his mom that he would be spending the afternoon at school working on a group project for his English class, he hopped into Charles’ car with the rest of the boys and spent the afternoon at the game. When, in front of his mom, his next door neighbor mentioned having seen him at the game, it didn’t take his mom long to start asking pointed questions. He was caught red-handed in his lie.
Developmental reasons: As teenagers grow, they face a developmental imperative; they must separate from their parents and learn to function, thrive and compete in the world of their peers. This means they must transition from a family-centric view of their world to a peer-centric view. When parents view it this way, it is easier to see a teenager’s process of separation and understand the adolescent drive to become independent, masters of their own lives. There are times when the world of teens’ peers becomes more compelling than the “pull” from parents. A teenager is likely to periodically face scenarios where s/he finds it more compelling to give credence to personal choice and his peer group than to listen to (or obey) a parent’s instruction. “Who is actually in control in my life, my parents, or me?” teens may ask. From the teenager’s perspective, there are times when making his own choice isn’t lying as much as it’s a matter of responding to a greater priority… his own voice. At some point, and in some situations, a teenager may actually feel compelled to go against parents’ orders simply to establish independence; a sense of “I am separate from you; I can make my own decisions.” In this context, you can see that lying can be viewed as a developmental issue, not a moral one.
Adam did not consider his action a lie as much as a personal choice. He had considered his options, and he chose to accept the risk of driving with a new driver and disobeying his parents’ rule. He had chosen to make his own decision on the matter despite his parents’ rules.
Scenario Two: Sara’s parents had a rule that she was not permitted to go to kids’ homes without an adult present. She was a senior in high school and, as she was a pretty straight-laced kid, she found most of her parents’ rules didn’t interfere with her activities. But one Saturday night her group of friends was planning to go to Marc’s home, and she knew that his parents were away. She went too, and everything worked out fine – there wasn’t any alcohol, and the kids were hanging out safely …no big deal. But a few days later Sara’s mom was speaking to another parent and discovered that Sara had not been where she had told her mother she was on Saturday night. Sara was caught in her deception. Why had she lied?
Communication problems: Lying can be a result of a communication problem. This occurs when a teenager expects that her point of view will not be respected or heard. While sometimes kids don’t ask because they don’t want to hear your answer, it could also reflect the quality of parent-teen communication. When a parent denies the recognition of a teenager’s growing independence and good judgment, you may be hurting your relationship.
In this case, Sara felt that her parents wouldn’t listen to her and would deny her permission to go to this friend’s home. Sara had developed this opinion because her parents had previously been unwilling to consider her point of view.
Honest conversations between parents and teenagers aren’t always easy, and will sometimes cover ground that can make parents uncomfortable. It sounds great to have real open and honest communication with your teenager, but this can actually create some sticky issues at times. What if your teenager wants to tell you that he drinks at parties? Could you handle it if your daughter told you she wants to go on birth control? How much honesty can you tolerate? Honesty is essential if you want to truly be a reliable resource for your teen. But understand this can be tricky, too. And if you can’t really tolerate honesty you may force your teen into a lie – unless of course your teen doesn’t have anything to lie about. Many parents find the issues they confront with older teens get pretty difficult to manage as the best solutions aren’t always clear. At any rate, your teen’s degree of honesty may reflect on your ability to communicate openly with your teen.
Scenario Three: Jacki was expected to come home straight from her middle school each day because her mom was still at work. She complied week after week, but was beginning to resent it. One day she allowed herself to accept an invitation to go to a boy’s home who lived near the school. “My mom will never find out,” she thought. But when she got home, she found that her mother had left work early, and was frantic with worry because she didn’t know where Jacki was.
Testing boundaries: Teenagers sometimes need to test the boundaries that support them. They are often chafing to expand their independence and the areas of their life in which they are free to explore. Testing the boundaries allows them to test you and the quality of your relationship. Teenagers may be asking: “Are you watching? Am I important enough to you for you to be aware of what I do? How far can I push that? Am I clever enough to get away with this? What are the consequences if I break this rule? Will you really enforce it?” Kids want to learn about you, about your relationship with them, and they sometimes feel safer when they know where the boundaries of their freedom lie.
What’s a parent to do? As these cases demonstrate, teenagers may not be conscious of it, but there can be underlying reasons that drive their disobedience. So, while it is upsetting when you learn that you may not truly be able to trust your teenager, this background knowledge should help you understand what’s really going on.
Here are some tips for parents to minimize lying from teenagers:
- Treat teens with respect. Listen to their point of view.
- Be willing to be flexible when appropriate.
- Negotiate.
- Safety should never be compromised. Know where you put your stake in the ground; be firm and consistent.
- Apply logical consequences.
- Confirm your love; let them know it is love that drives you, not a desire to be in control.
- Give them all the responsibility they can handle.
- As you give them additional responsibility, give them the opportunity to earn new freedom.
- Demonstrate the integrity and honesty you wish to see from them.
When in crisis: As logical and reasonable as these tips are, I will readily admit that these tips may not get the immediate results that you are looking for if you are in a crisis due to your teenager lying to you. When I first posted this article it generated many responses from frustrated parents who feel their teen’s lying is out of control and they don’t know what to do. Parents in this situation need real, concrete help. One option is to find a local therapist and bring your teen there for some joint sessions. A third party can be very effective in pushing you all forward in honest communication. Be prepared for some tough conversation. While a lying problem looks on the surface as though it just reflects on your teen, the family environment almost always gets scrutinized. There are reasons your teen is engaged in this behavior…. and in the case of serious problems you will need to work together honestly to get to the bottom of it and to find ways to build trust again.
Alternatively, you will find our products to be helpful in less critical cases. Consider our award-winning audiobook which focuses on improving communication between parents and teens. There are some new skills parents do need to learn!
More helpful info re lying: read Avoid the Loaded Question
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This article was originally published on my site http://www.PleaseStoptheRollercoaster.com, and it generated many responses. I will paste some of them in here because they may be helpful to you.
mbmahaney@sbcglobal.net
69.151.51.38
Submitted on 2010/08/31 at 5:09pm
I have been going through all the same issues with my 14 year old daughter. Who has failed classes and near failed. She is a Freshman now. Over the past two to three years my family has been on a roller coaster of emotion and lying. I have found when my daughter lies about important things and things that will eventually get found out, Her mood changes the more she has to hide something the more angry and emotional she gets around her family. She is angry that has to carry this big burden of a lie around. The when the lie is finally revealed and consequences are put in place, she is a lovely girl and pleasant to everyone. Until the next big deception comes along. It is truly unfair to my other children who have to deal with all this turmoil that she places on the family. I don’t trust her I assume she lies to me every time she speaks. I have come to accept her stage, but I am sad for my other children who have to deal with her lies as well.
Michele Wilson
davemich@shaw.ca
68.150.166.100
Submitted on 2010/08/31 at 5:12am
I am also the parent of a homework avoiding teenager. Ironically, I am a teacher of homework avoiding students. As a parent, we did get “over involved” in having our daughter get her homework done. All that really accomplished was strained relationships. I recently REread Barbara Coloroso’s book “Kids Are Worth It”. Although I had already realized I had to give her room to make her own decisions, and live with whatever comes from them, rereading the book confirmed it for me. As parents we need to be supportive but the responsibility for getting homework done is the child’s. What is the worst that will happen if they don’t???? They have to redo the work or the class or a year. I have a homework avoiding sister who after high school decided she wanted more and is now a speech pathologist and a homework avoiding husband who later decided to also become a teacher and has won awards. We don’t all mature at the same rate or learn good work ethic at the same age, but I am confident that I am teaching the right values to my children through my actions. Eventually, my daughter will have to live with a natural consequence that hurts enough to change her behavior and I will be there to be supportive of the changes she makes. Until then, I will gently remind, offer help if needed and then back off. After all, it’s not MY work and I don’t need to make it my issue.
Jose
apache718@optonline.com
167.182.124.254
Submitted on 2010/08/22 at 7:56pm
I can only laugh at this. My daugher is 18. Leaves whenever she wants, stays with boyfriend, friends anywhere and everythere.. smokes etc. We have been more than good to her.. right now she does not care if we cut off her school funds.. or anything else.. she refuses to even acknowlege us. So good luck with this advise.
Lucy
smiley11760@yahoo.com.au
219.90.137.1
Submitted on 2010/07/26 at 3:01am
Hi everyone. I’m going through a similar thing with my daughter who feels the urge to lie and about really stupid things too. To her credit tho she does get to a stage where she feels bad about lying and does confess. I’ve gotten to a point where I have become numb and don’t take it as personally as I did in the beginning. She has a great family home environment, she is treated with respect and her opinion is sought when its something that affects the whole family, she does have a certain degree of freedom but with rules (rules are everywhere so I do not think this is unfair). She works, is a great student and does do a bit of community work too – so basically a dream child. But she does have this need to lie. Everyone that knows her tells me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful child, she’s bright, attractive, intelligent – a basic all rounder. However I do not share with anyone her little bad point and that’s the lying. She says that she doesnt deserve me and I’ve told her that she deserves all good things. What I’ve come to realise is that she is a child, notwithstanding all her gifts, talents and abilities. She will test the boundaries and she will rebel in her own way. I’m grateful that she hasnt done drugs or somthing that would put her life at risk. She lies. She’s not perfect and do I love her any less – no. I am disappointed but I need to deal with that – not her. There are consequences to her actions and she does get disciplined by way of no outings or no technology etc and she takes that on board beautifully. I just hope that we will get past this stage of her life (she’s 15 and has been doing the lying on and off since she was 13). I wont stop loving her nor will I stop disciplining her when she does do something wrong – because at the end of the day I want her to know that I care enough to react. I did hug her this morning (after a lying incident last night) and said to her that i love her and that we’ll get thru this together. She cried and hugged me back. At the end of the day, they are just children and there’s a lot to take on for them – more than we had at their ages – so we need to just learn not to take it personally and to be there for them.
jeff
locomofo969@aim.com
68.194.42.141
Submitted on 2010/02/09 at 5:28am
i’m a 17 year old boy who is going through all of these things and from my perspective, the more you restrict your child, the more they will rebel and want to go against you. if they cant tell you the truth without you blowing it way out of proportion and punishing them they will never tell you the truth at all. let your child know they can talk to you, give them freedom but still give them your presence and authority, just dont over do it.
Mia Jones
mjones01`6@att.net
75.17.231.38
Submitted on 2009/12/21 at 3:03am
To add, I feel sorry for those who are going down this path. There is no help…. I have called every mental help facility, counslers, hospitals, specialty schools, and when the money runs out, or your child is just to much for these so called professionals to handle him, they kick them out and keep your money or whats left of it. I will never give up on my child, but I don’t feel quilty about wanting to take the locks of the door, hide my keys and my purse and guard his room at night, just incase he might decide today he wants to murder me in my sleep,. As you can see i am frustrated as Hell!@!!
Melissa
Submitted on 2009/10/27 at 6:31pm
My husband and I are currently going through the SAME situation with my 14yr old daughter.
The lies she is telling seems almost identical. My daughter is a freshman in HS and is currently an honor student. However, my daughter IS cutting! We were in therapy and the therapist was not a match for my daughter and we switched.
We feel like we are banging our head against the wall. She tells lies about myself, my husband (her stepfather) and her bio dad (that she has no contact with), family members have died, her friends parent s abuse them. She lies about drugs, alcohol and sex.
Its pretty intense. We have considered homeschooling her since we recognized that school seems to be a huge trigger for her. The socialization part. She has no privelages currently because she needs to earn them back via trust. When she does, it takes a few days and she is off and lying again. She is currently telling everyone she is not lying (including therapist) but I am finding notes quite the contrary!
We are at a loss as well and just don’t know what to do.
The one recommendation I can make is take her for full medical and psychological work up and document the hell out of everything. We have also asked our daughter to periodically write a statement regarding the things she lies about and acknowledging the fact that they are lies and understands the impact they might have. She signs and dates it. We keep a copy, and all of her health care providers receive one. We also have notified the guidance counselor at the school and discussed the issues frankly with her so that the school is aware as well. Be open and honest with everyone!!! Exposing your daughter is unfortunate but protects everyone until she is healthy again.
I am also considering contacting all of her friends and notifying their parents and possibly homeschooling.
I am struggling to find others in my area with this problem. My hope is to find a support group for her and us! No luck so far.
Ellie
Submitted on 2009/08/18 at 3:48pm
What about when the parents or other family members of your kids friends let them do something they know is wrong such as letting your child ride in the car with her friend who has her learner’s permit only. in California this is illegal. Just because there was an adult in the car does not mean it was okay. I am calling the dad today but wanted to find out how people handle those relationships with parents of friends.
Sue Blaney
sue@pleasestoptherollercoaster.com
Submitted on 2009/08/14 at 9:57pm
Dave, that is a heart-breaking note, and I’m sorry nobody else has replied to you yet. I waited a few days to see if somebody might show up for you with some comments … I’m back from vacation now and will weigh in. I can’t tell you what is in her mind or what is driving your daughter to behave so badly. But we all know that she isn’t the first teen to be defiant against all logic – sometimes teenagers behave in really strange ways. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, but you are still scared that she might step things up yet another level and get in serious harm. If you don’t think your counselor is being proactive enough then that certainly is a change you can make. A counselor can be wrong, so go with your gut if you have second thoughts on the effectiveness of that relationship. Your daughter sounds like professional help would be appropriate.
I do want to validate your pain…. there are periods of time in many families that are just plain painful to get through. During times like this you are wise to reach out to other parents as you have in this note; you need to know you are not alone and that others understand your predicament. I encourage you to make such connections locally and in person too; reach out so that you have people to process this with. You won’t have to go far to find parents who have endured very similar situations.
One thing you might benefit from is reading PARENTING TEENAGERS: the Agony and the Ecstasy as it is full of quotes from other parents. You will hear similar fear in some of their voices and perhaps you’ll get some insight from your peers, “veteran” parents or young adults who are also surveyed. Hang in there and I hope things work out soon…
David
Submitted on 2009/08/08 at 7:13pm
God I hope somebody who has been here has been in a similar situation and can help. Our 15 year-old daughter (my stepdaughter) is out of control. She lies about absolutely everything, and it’s getting to the point that I am literally afraid for the future of our family. My wife’s ex is also remarried and all 4 of get along very well. We only live about 5 miles away from each other, and she’s free to spend time at whatever house she wants (we don’t believe in the ‘it’s my week or it’s dad’s week philosophy). I’d say her time is split about 60/40 between our house and her dad’s.
It all started with high school. Her grades started slipping, she failed two classes. We did the whole school follow up thing. She began lying about homework, tests, etc…The four of us sat with her and calmly explained we love her and that school comes first. We restricted her cell phone use, internet use, and told her she needed to concentrate on classwork the next semester. As soon as the grades come up, the restrictions would be relaxed. Long story short, she’s infatuated with this boy and began sneaking around with him…not coming home after school, etc. (wife and I aren’t home until after 5).
We stumbled upon some very disturbing e-mails between her and her ‘friends’. All lies about the four of us as parents. We chalked it up to her trying to save face with her friends about why her free time had been restricted.
The four of us spoke again. She was told no unsupervised visits with the boy. Grades continued to slip, even though we were working with her nightly. She managed to fail art, for god’s sake, due to lack of participation. Her cell phone was taken away. No visits to her boyfriend’s house during the week. It got worse. She ran up a $300 phone bill on the house phone while we were at work. She failed her freshmen year and had to take summer school. We made her call and check in after school, and we called and checked in on her daily.
Her dad and step mom live in the country. We’ve now found that she has at least once ridden the bus in for summer school, cut classes and gone god-knows-where (presumably to the boys house).
The lies are getting worse. I just intercepted some more emails where she’s telling this boy that we are trying to keep them apart, that her mother and I hit her (has never happened, we’ve hardly ever raised our voices to her), that we make her go hungry (she eats better than I do), that her step-mother makes her pay for her own food (untrue), that she’s becoming bulimic and has also begun ‘cutting’ herself (absolutely untrue). The lies are getting bigger as time goes on.
This is all obviously being done as a play for sympathy and attention from this boy…to keep him on the hook and interested. “You’re the only one I can talk to…you have to help me….I love you and want to be with you…etc.)”, and she’s obviously getting his attention.
We are all literally so afraid that the lies are going to get so out of control that eventually she will tell him some lie that he takes to his parents, or she will say something to another friend or someone else in an effort to get attention that can’t be taken back and then either her stepmother, I, (or all of us) will end up investigated (or worse) by the authorities. My heart is breaking…..
We’ve already got her in counseling. We’ve shown the counselor some of these e-mails and expressed our concerns. We have had multiple conversations with her about her lying and the danger of it, and how it hurts and disappoints us and how it’s becoming more difficult for us to trust her. Every time it’s the same thing…she’s sorry, she bawls, she’ll work harder to regain our trust, she hates feeling this way….it’s always the same story.
She simply will not stop. The child wants for nothing. She has two loving families that want nothing but the best for her. She went to a christian grade school. We routinely go to church. She’s got 6 grandparents living nearby that she loves dearly and are always around. She’s got a loving brother and sister.
I don’t get it. I’m literally becoming afraid to talk to her or discipline her in her mother’s absence out of fear for what lies she’ll make up next about me (or us) to her friends.
To the best of our knowledge, she’s not involved in drugs, alcohol, or sexually active. My honest impression is that she is literally teetering on the precipice of throwing her life away.
We can’t start over and pretend nothing has happened because she’s out of control. We can’t keep punishing and taking things away..that will just make it worse and give more credence to the crap she’s spewing to her ‘friends’.
I don’t know if the answer is a different counselor, a meeting with the boy and his parents with her in attendance where we confront her on the lies and find out what she’s been telling them, whether it’s boarding school, or what.
I am convinced she lies for the thrill, for the attention the stories get her, and out of defiance. Sooner or later she will say something that can’t be taken back. I just hope when it happens it doesn’t tear the families apart.
Anybody that’s experienced anything close to this….help us please.
Dave
We are going through the SAME thing with our 13 year old. She has told people we are abusive to her. When she was in the hospital having her gall bladder removed, she told people at school she was locked up in an asylum and stabbed by an inmate, complete with pics of her surgery incisions.
She has been sneaking to see a boy and now we have contacted the boy’s parents (he is 16!) and taken away all phone use and internet. We found multiple hidden facebook accounts on her laptop, as well as atrocious lies about her homelife. It seems like she lies to get sympathy from a hoard of boys.
Tammy
Submitted on 2009/08/04 at 3:25pm
I have twin boys 15. One of them is lying, we don’t know for sure which one it is, but we have a pretty good idea. The problem is we already have him in therapy for helping his anger issues and the lying, becuase of the great stress it causes in the house. How do we know that he’s not lying to his therapist? How do we punish for the lying when it just seems to make things worse?