Be the Calm in the Storm – 2 Minute Tips for Parenting Teens
2MT:
This two-minute-tip is easier said than done, I’ll readily admit it. But it’s really important that you try.
Marcia has a teenager with bi-polar disorder and depression. Over the years she has faced drama, confusion, fear, despair and challenges you and I can only imagine. One big lesson she has learned is the importance of parental calm. She said to me “If your child is in turmoil, the best thing you can do is be calm.”
We’ve discussed teenagers and their emotions here many times. We know that teens feel their emotions at twice the intensity as adults. We know that some teens tend to have big emotional swings – high highs and low lows. We know there are dramas, misunderstandings, responses from pressure around school and issues in their ever-important social world. Teens may over-react. They may express their confusion and pain and fear in ways that cause upset in your home and dramas you don’t need.
And through it all, you have a choice. You can make matters worse, or you can make them better. You will make them better if you can be the calm in the storm.
Here are four simple steps you can take to help achieve this when in the midst of a drama:
1.) The first step in being the “calm” is to establish this as your goal. Make a decision that you are not going to over-react. Set the intention to exhibit behavior that sets the tone you wish to see.
2.) Breathe deeply. Seriously, this step helps to slow down your reactions and gives you a chance to think. Try to build this step into your habits.
3.) If you do need to say something, say it kindly then leave the room. If emotions are high it is unlikely good discussion will take place at the time. Say what you need to say but don’t engage in the drama yourself. Come back and approach the subject again later when emotions have calmed down.
4.) Find an appropriate outlet for your feelings. Take a walk, listen to some music on your headphones, talk with a friend, write in your journal, or work on getting your blackbelt in karate. Do something for you that allows you to express your feelings in a productive way.
Being the calm in the storm isn’t always easy, but it can be the single best way to support your teen and show your love.
The Practice of “Still Lake” in Your Parenting
How would you complete the sentence, “Parenting is……”?
It is pretty amazing, isn’t it? Becoming a parent immediately changes you. From that moment forward, you put your child’s needs ahead of your own. Parenting is one of the few things that can make you strive to be the best person you can be. Sometimes, it is smooth sailing. Other times, it is the perfect storm. You may find yourself challenged by the very things that make you who you are as a person. Your personality, past experiences, expectations, and hopes can get in the way of you having the kind of interaction you want to have with your teen. Sometimes we say or do things we don’t mean. Other times, we are simply stuck. When we feel lost, we turn to friends, other parents, books, health professions, or anyone else we trust to provide us with honest and helpful advice. We do all of this in an effort to raise happy and healthy children.
In a conversation over dinner the other night, I was reminded how fortunate I am to have people with whom I can share this journey. Our conversation made me think of a symbol from my Tae Kwon Do practice. This symbol is called “Still Lake“, which means “strong on the inside, calm and gentle on the outside”. It represents a person’s ability to live with grace and confidence. It is a reminder that one does not have to be ”tough” to be “strong” and it is symbolic of being aware of oneself and the impact that you have on those around you. It is about having poise in your interactions with others. This symbol represents being comfortable enough in who you are to be truly present with someone else. Still Lake can exist in all relationships, with one of the biggest being your relationship with your teen. You can practice still lake in your parenting by focusing on: (1) having an empty mind, (2) removing the meaning, and (3) cleaning things up.
Mother’s Day Blues
I first wrote this post five years ago, and I have pulled it out and re-posted it on several recent Mother’s Days…. and always hear from mom’s who appreciate the message. It’s not your standard Mother’s Day discussion or point of view, but you’ll know if it’s for you. And if it is, I hope it eases your aching heart just a bit.
Mother’s Day isn’t always great. I know this sentiment is against all that Hallmark, and your mother, and our society wants us to believe, but I know there are a few of you out there who have aching hearts today. I want to recognize this.
Mother’s Day sometimes puts a magnifying glass on our personal pain. Like the Christmas holidays that exacerbate the plight of the lonely, Mother’s Day celebrations can highlight what we don’t have.
I want to offer empathy and hope if you are suffering from Mother’s Day Blues.
If you’re reading this, you know my work is with parents of teenagers. Parenting teenagers is full of ups and downs – that comes with the territory. I’m fortunate enough to have two wonderful children. While my youngest is almost out of her teens now – I’m nearing the end of this particular stage myself – Mother’s Day remains poignant. And I remember two incredibly painful Mother’s Day weekends.
If I look back at the mistakes (some more optimistic souls prefer to call them “learning experiences”) my kids made as teenagers, a particular mistake stands out for each of them. To protect their privacy, I will not disclose the particulars, but one sent us to court and the other sent us to therapy. In my eyes, these were biggies.
And they both happened over Mother’s Day weekend.
What I want to say to you Moms who might be in pain, is the chances are really good that this will pass. Almost all kids do some really stupid things, and it isn’t necessarily a reflection on you, your parenting, or a poor relationship. Know that bad spells are part of the process of parenting. Know that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Your relationship will endure the ups and downs, and the love that you have for one another will keep you going.
It really is true what people say: When your kids get older they do come back. When they have separated from you and established their own identity – and that is often what is behind the challenges during their adolescence – you develop a new relationship that can be simply incredible. A dream come true.
Your future holds the promise of the relationship you wish for. Tolerate today with hope. Because it will get better.
“My Parents Would Kill Me if…” 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
As a teenager growing up, I’ll bet you could finish that sentence. “My parents would kill me if…” What were some of your answers? “If I got caught shoplifting?” “If I didn’t call when I was late?” “If I got caught drinking?” Your teenager needs to know where you absolutely put your stake in the ground, and these rules should be emblazoned in your teen’s brain. Rules this important should be rules around safety. (I’d prefer not to hear a kid say “My parents would kill me if I got a C.” Performance issues would best fall into a different, less urgent, category.)
When you have a few key rules around safety …note the word “FEW”, and are very clear in articulating them regularly, these rules are more likely to be remembered by your teenager when temptation arises. You want your teen to remember your voice and your message because your rules can keep him from making dangerous choices. Teenagers are notoriously unreliable about making good judgment calls all the time.
But you’re not done yet…there’s another part to this….hold your teen accountable. Parents, you undermine your own authority and integrity when your teenager receives no consequences when a rule has been broken. If you want them to remember the most important rules, then you’ve got to treat them as sacred.
Your most serious rules, the ones that fall into this category of “My parents would kill me if…” will change as your teens mature, so be sure you update them periodically, according to your child’s development and responsibility. And expect to discuss and reinforce these rules regularly.
For a middle schooler who comes home to an empty house after school, is he absolutely clear on his safety rules? Do you allow your high school sophomore to ride in a car with a driver who only has a junior operator’s license? How about your new driver, do you have a rule about using her cell phone when she’s driving?
Your teens need to know the answers to these questions. You play an important role in keeping your teen safe.
Accept Non-Conformity – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
The young man behind the check-out counter at CVS was sporting an unusual hair cut last week – he called it a bi-hawk. It was a variation on a mohawk with two strips of hair sticking up on his head, instead of one. The spiked rows were a good two inches high, so one couldn’t miss him. He didn’t convey a sense of defiance or self-consciousness. I don’t know how his parents felt about his look, but actually, I hope they were proud of him. Whether you liked the look or not, this young man was very comfortable in his own skin.
Non-conformity in a teenager can be a sign of inner strength of character.
The tendency with teenagers is to fit in with the crowd. Particularly with teens in middle school and early high school, sticking out of the norm is not something they often feel comfortable with. There is a tendency to want to look like everyone else in their crowd, to do the same things, to go the same places…and if you are fortunate enough to have a teenager with the inner confidence and conviction to think differently and behave differently please consider it a virtue.
As long as the way your teen chooses to express his or her sense of individuality doesn’t hurt himself or others, I encourage you to allow it, accept it, and even celebrate it. Having a teen who is one of the sheep could mean s/he will follow the crowd right off a cliff.
Sometimes there is wisdom in crowds, but the child who has the individuality and courage to see another way and express a differing opinion has a strength of character that can help lead to a unique and exciting future. I say – go for it!
Look Beyond the Obvious – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
Carol wrote to me two years ago complaining of her daughter’s lack of communication. At the time she said, “ What do you do about a teen that won’t communicate? My daughter shuts down, says nothing, stares off into space and just shrugs her shoulders in response to conversations about anything that might be uncomfortable.” Interestingly, I just heard back from Carol again who wanted to let me know the issue was resolved and her daughter is now happy, communicative and preparing to graduate and go off to college. Carol said something significant: “It really was a very short turnaround once we recognized the problem for what it was.”
You see, at the time Carol almost fell into the trap of believing that her daughter’s behavior was “normal” teen behavior – many parents attribute this kind of teen behavior to bad attitude, defiance, laziness or what have have you. But fortunately, Carol looked beyond the obvious, and by doing so she learned that her daughter was dealing with depression. Carol learned that depression in teenagers may look differently than in does in adults. Carol needed to look beyond the obvious to diagnose the problem and access the solutions to help her daughter.
When you are trying to understand what’s going on with your teen how do you “look beyond the obvious?” I have three simple suggestions:
- Begin by being open-minded as you define the problem and seek possible solutions,
- Gather information. Speak to others with whom your teen interacts so you can get a broader picture of how he is behaving outside of home.
- Understand that you may not be the best person to diagnose the problem or find the solution. Like Carol you may need to access professional support.
Whether your family is dealing with major problems like the one Carol and her daughter faced, or just minor situations, it’s important to remember to look beyond the obvious, because often that is where the answers lie.
Here are some resources and information about depression:
Families for Depression Awareness
Web MD Depression Health Center
Healing Well Depression Resources
National Institute of Mental Health Depression Resources
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Build on Your Teen’s Strengths – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
No kid likes to be criticized. Frankly, I don’t know too many adults who enjoy it either. However, as parents, we know we need to teach them and correct them and guide them. Trouble is, we’re often so busy we fail to take the time to gently redirect, or teach or correct them…there is a technique to doing this that makes this medicine go down a whole lot easier.
Have you heard of the sandwich method of communication? It works like this: think of a hamburger in a bun. Your bun represents positive comments that reinforce what your teen is doing well. In order for your teen to sink her teeth into the hamburg patty – where the corrections lie – she has to go through the bun first. In other words, when your corrections or criticisms are surrounded on both sides by positive reinforcement and references to what she does well the corrective comments are a whole lot easier to swallow.
A colleague of mine was just today recounting her recent review at work. She was appalled that her supervisor gave her only criticism – no positive comments at all. And I know she’s a smart woman and good worker. People simply forget sometimes to take the time to take feelings into account, to consider how information will be received, and to pursue a kinder way to present it.
As parents, I know you care deeply about your teenager’s feelings….so while you are teaching, correcting and guiding your teen, make sure that you provide regular and even frequent positive comments that build on his strengths.
What’s Going On? My Teen Seems So Far Away!
One of the barriers to communication is the naturally occurring distancing that takes place during adolescence. Communication during the teen years can be especially challenging because of the rapid changes that occur in their physical bodies and social worlds. The first thing to remember is that as your child moves through the teen years, he/she will become more private. Teens often move toward writing in their journal, hiding in their bedroom, and holding private conversations with friends via text or instant message. Recently, a mom who was trying to monitor her teen’s use of Facebook and cell phone told me, “My 12-year old hates it when I am in her business. The other day she screamed ‘Don’t read my texts! That is just weird. I don’t want you to see my private conversations!’”
Think back to your own adolescence. Were there certain things that you really didn’t want to talk to your parents about? How did you decide what to share and what to keep to yourself? The truth is, most often teen are not trying to be devious or dishonest; they are simply in the process of separating themselves from their parents.
Three Great Ideas from Parents Like You – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
Many times parents share with me their excellent ideas and strategies for raising teenagers. I’m going to share three of them that stand out in my memory. Let this remind you that your friends and fellow parents also have lots of great ideas to share – so remember to talk to them to hear what they have to say.
Idea #1: Curfews and alarm clocks: Parents often struggle to stay awake until your teens come home, and for some of you this can be difficult. For those of you who need the shut-eye and take curfew seriously, this suggestion can help: put your alarm clock outside your bedroom door, set for your teenager’s curfew time. When he arrives home on time, he will turn the alarm off. And if he doesn’t come home on time, you’ll be awakened by the alarm so you’ll know and can take the necessary action.
Idea #2: The “No Questions Asked” card: This mom wanted to ensure her daughter’s safety. Knowing that teens sometimes get involved in behavior that can be dangerous, this mom felt that it was less important that she know all the details, and more important that her daughter feel comfortable calling her when and if she needed help extricating herself from a situation. So she allowed her daughter one “no questions asked” card. That simply meant that her daughter could call her and was not required to give her mom any details that she did not want to share. This idea isn’t for everyone, but it worked well given this mom’s priorities and values.
Idea #3: “Don’t make me give you a quick answer:” This mom had a hard and fast rule with her kids: if they pressured her for a quick response the answer was “no.” She told me about the time her daughter was with a friend and they were hoping to get permission to go to the mall. Her mom wanted to think about it and yet she sensed her daughter’s urgency for a reply. She asked her daughter “do you want an answer now?” to which her daughter replied “No!” She said the look of puzzlement on the friend’s face was pretty funny.
Do you have some helpful ideas or suggestions to share? I’d love to hear them and share them. Please contribute your thoughts on my Facebook page (Facebook/ParentingTeenagers) or post your comment on the blog.
Keep a Lid on Your Fears – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
Several years ago when I conducted a survey of parents of teenagers I asked the question “What is the biggest fear you have for your teenager today?” Some of the responses surprised and concerned me. I had numerous parents say “I am afraid my teenager won’t make it out of his teens ALIVE!”
Wow! These parents were really afraid! They were worried at a life and death level! Fear can’t really get much stronger than that, can it? While I certainly understand that, when raising teens, the stakes are high and worries can arise, I hope, for your sake, you aren’t fearful to this degree.
You see, fear is terribly counter-productive in a parent-child relationship. If you parent from fear you will surely undermine the very relationship you are trying to nurture. When you are fearful you lose the ability to be objective and to really hear what your teen is saying to you. You tend to over react rather than give thoughtfully considered responses. Fear colors your world, it communicates negativity, it may make your child fearful, and it diminishes your credibility with your teen.
One woman told me that, upon reflection, she realized parenting from fear had led her to try to fix her son all through his high school years, only to realize too late that he wasn’t broken! Parents can get off track, way off track, if fear takes over. It undermines relationships, it takes joy out of life, and it is a terrible waste of time and energy.
If you have good reason to be fearful – if your child is using drugs, drinking and driving, dealing with depression or other mental health issues, etc. – there may be good reasons to be afraid. Under circumstances like that you need to get professional input to help your teen through these problems and to help you cope effectively.
But don’t allow fear to overtake you. Keep your head about you and work to develop a perspective that enables you to go with the flow. Find a support network so you have a place to vent, and to get advice. If necessary, take action to address your concerns. But don’t parent from fear; keep a lid on it for your sake, and for your teen’s.
