Parents of Teens: Employ New Communication Strategies – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
This is the third tip from my free downloadable e-book titled “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen.” You’ll find a link to the e-book at ParentingTeensInfo.com.
Communication changes when you have teens. “Duh!” you say. I know…it can be hard for parents who wonder why your teens don’t seem to want to talk with you like they used to. While many of their changes are reflective of their development – and therefore it’s more about them than you – there are some common mistakes that parents make in communicating with teens. Let’s look at three common mistakes and identify some techniques to use.
First, parents often fail to change your communication techniques. You see, it stands to reason that the old communication tactics that were effective when your kids were little are less effective, if for no other reason than they are undergoing such dynamic growth and change. With teens you’ll want to engage them in conversation rather than direct them. Listen with respect to what they have to say, and remember that they must develop their sense of voice and power. Be willing to negotiate (except on your few non-negotiable rules) and allow them input into the discussion and rules.
The second mistake parents make is problem-solving without being asked. When parents jump in to solve your teen’s problems you are giving the message that she isn’t capable to solve them herself. It’s best to listen and ask her if and how you might be able to help her.
Thirdly, parents are sometimes over-involved to save your teen from mistakes or pain. The experience of struggle, and even failure and pain helps a child to develop resilience and the knowledge that he can survive life’s ups and downs. Parents, check your responses carefully so you don’t suffocate your teen… say less and listen more. Of course you’ll need to use good judgment here, but it’s important to allow them to experience life.
The communication tactics that parents need to add into your repertoire are what I call “indirect communication” tactics. Rather than expect your teen to sit with you for long heart-to-heart talks, you need to become adept at reading your teen on the fly. Tune into body language; ask open ended questions; know your teen’s friends and engage them in conversation – appropriately – at every opportunity; know your teen’s friends parents; develop relationships with all the adults who play an important role in your teen’s life – teachers, coaches, youth leaders etc; use car-time to talk; stay up late occasionally and be on their schedule rather than yours. and going out of your way to do things together may create the most natural opportunities for pleasant communication.
Hope these ideas help you!
We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this free e-book with your colleagues and friends.
Teens Need Love, Boundaries and Power – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
This is the second tip from my free downloadable e-book titled “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen.”
Love, boundaries and power are vitally important to your teenager. Let’s dig in on this.
LOVE: Is it an obvious statement to say that teens need love? I hope it is. As parents, it can be helpful to tune in to your behavior to make sure that the ways you are expressing love are 1.) age appropriate, and 2.) getting through to your teen. These are two important points. “Age appropriate” doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to be less expressive than you were when your teen was young, but it does mean your methods of expressing love should respect her growing maturity. And remember – the only messages that matter are the ones he hears. If your message of love isn’t getting through to him then you need to change the way you express it. Say “I love you,” with your words, and more importantly, show it with your actions. It takes both. Often the most effective way to show your love is in quiet ways….sit down to talk with him; take the time to really tune in to your teen’s feelings; don’t judge or jump in to solve their problems without being asked. And you need to know that the teens who seem to be the most unlovable need your love the most.
BOUNDARIES: Giving your teenager boundaries, or rules, is a concrete way of showing your love. Clear rules and expectations help to teach teenagers appropriate behavior, so they learn how to act. When a child knows what is expected of him or her, he learns self-control. Sometimes applying boundaries is very difficult for parents…and so you need to coach yourself here! You are the one who must stay committed, consistent and firm because you are more equipped to see long term consequences than your teenager is.
POWER: Teenagers need to develop and express their voice, their view, and their opinions. They want to make decisions for themselves, and with practice they will learn how to make good decisions and choices. The teen years are a time for kids to gradually gain power for their decisions, and for you to guide them as they go.
We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this free resource with your colleagues and friends.
What Where You Thinking?!?! Understanding the Prefrontal Cortex of the Teenage Brain
Have you ever asked your teen, “What were you thinking” and gotten the answer, “I wasn’t” or “I don’t know.” Durning adolescence, the teenage brain is undergoing subtle, but dynamic changes, all in the midst of major physiological, psychological, and social transitions. Overall, theses changes lead to more sophisticated thinking skills and increases in their ability to process emotions.
The tricky part is that this development takes place during a time that is known for increased risk-taking behavior. Because teens will try on new things to learn about themselves, it is important to help them understand how much their brain is changing and how they can take care of it during the teen years. This will help them to avoid things that can harm the brain, like substance use. It can also help them realize that they are not supposed to be able to think like an adult. Part of a parent’s job is to create a space where their teen feels comfortable enough to ask for help .
Become an Expert in Adolescent Development – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
This tip is the first of 8 that are covered in my downloadable e-book titled “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen,” which I have just updated.
The most effective parents have a sense of where their teenager is in their journey toward adulthood. When you are knowledgeable about your teen’s development you are better equipped to understand him, to provide the guidance and support that will help him, and to enhance your relationship.
First, let’s understand what we mean by “adolescent development.” Think of a fruit ripening….say a banana. You would no sooner eat a hard green unripe banana than you would expect a one year old to write her name. Fruit – and kids – ripen on their own natural time table. “Development” is a natural process of unfolding, of becoming what one will grow into naturally. There is little you can do to impact this timetable. While each teenager is certainly unique, there are some general characteristics to the timetable for developing adolescents, and parents who learn about their teens’ journey will have realistic expectations, and fewer surprises. Keeping up on this will require ongoing effort on your part during these fast-changing teen years.
How do you become an expert in adolescent development? By accessing all the information that you can: read books, articles, access programs and resources from school, the general media and websites like ParentingTeensInfo.com. This should be an area about which you are continually curious. Observe your teen and her friends; note their sense of humor as it grows in sophistication; observe the way they develop and express empathy for others, tune into their use of language as their mental abilities grow and as they understand more abstract concepts. All of these areas demonstrate growth, and by tuning in you can help your teens expand their capabilities even more.
Here is one important point about teens and development that parents should know: Kids develop physically, cognitively, emotionally, sexually and socially. Parents are often not aware that these areas of development are not well coordinated or synchronized, especially in younger teens. What often happens is a kid may be ahead of the curve in one area of development, and behind in another. This can explain why you may see a 7th grade boy who is a confident social leader but looks like he belongs in 5th grade, or a physically well developed 9th grade girl who is behind a bit emotionally. This kind of variation in development is perfectly normal and typical in teens. As I’ve said before: parents need to be sure you don’t judge a teen’s maturity by his or her visible physical characteristics ….do not judge this book by its cover.
Study adolescent development. And I’ll help you get started in our downloadable e-book Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen which is free in the resources section at www.ParentingTeensInfo.com.
We’ll continue with another secret in next week’s 2 minute tip. And feel free to share this resource with your colleagues and friends.
Help Your Teen Save Face – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
Have you ever done something stupid and embarrassed yourself? Sure you have; we all have. And it’s not fun processing your feelings afterwards, particularly if that embarrassment expands into shame.
Shame undermines one’s confidence, and if you are a teenager your confidence is likely to be fragile anyway. So even if your teenager has done something very dumb and needs to have a serious correction, you don’t want to shame him… that would be counter-productive.
Susan’s daughter Jenny was spending a lot of time at her friend’s house where there wasn’t much supervision, and Susan’s sixth sense made her uneasy about it. This was the hangout for the older brother and his friends, and 14 year old Jenny found their attention flattering. Susan was understandably upset when she went over there and found her daughter in a compromising position… and yet Susan bit her tongue, responding carefully. Wisely, she took her time dealing with the situation, knowing how fragile her daughter’s feelings were. If Susan had said what she wanted to… and scolded and shamed Jenny, she might have further diminished Jenny’s sense of self. This smart mom understood that for Jenny to learn from and move past this unpleasant experience she needed all the confidence and strength she could muster…and this informed Susan’s choice of words and actions.
Your teenager is going to make mistakes and need correction. While you guide your teen to learn from his mistakes, try to do this in a way that is positive and builds him up…for helping your teen develop a strong sense of self is essential to developing his ability to say “no” at times, to extricate himself from bad situations, and to ultimately make choices that reflect his values. This won’t always be easy and you may have to bite your tongue as you think strategically and control what you say.
Tread carefully. Try not to over-react. Think things through before you respond to delicate situations, and when you do respond it’s best to do it privately. Helping your teen to save face ensures you are on the same side of the table, not adversaries with opposing goals.
Practical Tips for Parenting Children of All Ages Through Divorce
Whether you are going through a divorce, or you know someone who is, this information can help you understand what children of divorce need from their parents and other adults in their lives. You can either use this information yourself, or share it with those who are seeking tips for helping their children through this transition. Adolescence is already a tumultuous time. It is a time when your children are trying to understand themselves as they experience major growth in all areas of their lives: physically, cognitively, socially, emotionally, and morally. And, parenting teens is already a challenging task. It is a task that requires insight and understanding. It challenges us to put our own “stuff” aside and focus on what is best for the healthy development of our child. Divorce can take these “normal” challenges to a whole new level
Being present to what your child needs in the face of your own heartbreak, grief and/or anger is easier said then done. Regardless of divorce, life keeps parents busy with things like family, work, school, relationships, and health and well-being.
Validate Your Teen’s Feelings – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens
2MT:
When your teenager is feeling angry or sad do you say things like: “Oh don’t feel that way.” Or “Don’t make it such a big deal.” If so you may actually be making your teen feel worse, not better. Validating your teen’s feelings is a better approach.
When something has gone wrong in your teen’s life you probably want to help, but that isn’t always what he needs. In fact when your teen is immersed in emotions it is the worst time to give advice. And you can make his pain worse by telling them him what he is dealing with is really “no big deal.” To your teenager, what he’s feeling is a very big deal! Remember, teenagers feel their feelings at twice the intensity of adults, and diminishing, rather than respecting those feelings can feel like a put-down.
The best approach is simply to respect and validate your teenager’s feelings. Reflect back to her what she expresses. Say: “This must be really hard!” or “That must make you feel really angry!” Or “I can see why that’s frustrating to you!” That kind of validation is appreciated. If you’re not sure if or when your teenager wants your advice, ask him directly: “What would you like from me right now? Do you want me to share my thoughts or just listen?”
Even as an adult, sometimes all you need is someone to listen and to make you feel heard. That is what “validate your teen’s feelings” really means. You don’t have to solve his problem, all you need to do is let him know that you “get” what he is going through.
This time of year is particularly difficult for high school seniors, and I have had numerous parents mention how unpleasant their seniors are while they wait for the college acceptances to come in. The tension is rising for them – not only as they compete with their peers, but also as it begins to settle in that they will soon be leaving home. These intense (and sometimes subconscious) feelings can come out as anger at home, and parents, understandably, find this hard to deal with. Try not to take this personally. Rather, see if you can put yourself in their shoes and recognize how challenging this time can be for them.
Remember – validation is the best way to listen and show you care.
Seek Wisdom – 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens #184
2MT:
I’m enjoying reading the 4 Agreements – There is wisdom in these pages. I like to read books that make me think about my life. I think it’s helpful for all of us to do this periodically, and I hope you take the time to do so.
I’m also thinking about the upcoming holidays and the opportunities we will have to seek wisdom from our relatives. I suggest it may be a good place for you to spend some time and energy in the upcoming holidays.
Wisdom comes from people who have experience and who have reflected on their experiences. Seek these people out. If you are spending time with people who have had experience parenting teenagers ask them questions. Even if you are talking to your parents, and the teen they raised was you, you will surely get some interesting input if you ask questions like “What did you do best as the parent of a teen? “What do you wish you had done differently?” “What’s the most important thing you learned about teenagers?” “If you could do one thing over what would it be?” Encourage your kids to participate in these valuable and special conversations. How about asking “What’s the one piece of advice you think every 18 year old ought to hear?” You might even make a game out of it over dinner, or in the car.
Encourage your teenagers to talk to older relatives and to be open to learn from them. Whether it is grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins…. It doesn’t matter. Input from family members that have a little distance can be helpful and meaningful. Encourage your teen to value and nurture these family relationships.
It’s vital that we step back from the daily hubbub of activity that can drain us, and touch base with the deeper more meaningful conversations and learning that feeds our soul. This kind of reflection will sustain you, it will help you keep the daily struggles and issues in perspective, and it may even open some interesting conversation with your teen.
Be sure you create the opportunity to slow down over the holidays and remember to seek wisdom.
By the way, do you have any favorite inspirational or thought-provoking books? We would love to hear your recommendations at our Facebook page Facebook.com/ParentingTeenagers.
Be Careful What You Emphasize 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens #183
2MT:
I recently heard a speaker make the statement that “emotional intelligence is a better predictor of success than good grades in school.” This sounded like an accurate statement to me, both from my personal experience in seeing late bloomers flourish and because I have done some research to better understand the value of emotional intelligence. I’ll bet you know some people who did not do particularly well in school grades-wise, but grew to be successful in life. So, I ask you, why do parents put so much emphasis on grades?
There are numerous studies that dispel any correlation between grades and success later in life. While many of these studies focus on income as the metric, and that may not be the most important way to measure “success,” the point is significant nevertheless. In one study valedictorians and salutatorians from the 1981 graduating classes of Illinois high schools were followed and were shown to have no more than average “success.” The researcher following the study made this comment: “To know that a person is a valedictorian is to only know that he or she is exceedingly good at achievement as measured by grades. It tells you nothing about how they react to the vicissitudes of life.”
Ah…. Perhaps teaching our teens to deal well with the vicissitudes of life is more important than grades. When the going gets rough – or when that class is difficult or the teacher is mean or they didn’t make the team or they just failed the test – how does your teen react? Are you helping him to prepare to handle life’s ups and downs?
I hear parents say that they push the importance of grades so their kids have more choices upon high school graduation. I am not arguing with that rationale. And I feel it is really important to teach your teen to do her best, to aim high, and to develop a strong work ethic. I think parents should teach excellence, (and model it, by the way.) But too many times the emphasis is out of balance and kids get the message that grades are all that count. Is that the message your teen receives from you? Given the research results, is that what you want to tell your teen?
Be careful what you emphasize. Be deliberate, thoughtful and tactful. You want your teen to work hard and do his best, and you want him to get good grades, but grades are only part of the picture. You need to let him know that you value and appreciate other skills and talents, and some of these will matter more in the long run.
How Do We Help Our Teens Be Achievers in Life?
There is no shortage of information, movies, and opinions about student achievement. Some talk about how to compete in a global economy. Others talk about the increased use of strategies such as cheating or using drugs like Adderall to improve performance. Still others talk about how to promote achievement in a healthy way. Recently, I read an article summarizing a study referred to as “The Berlin Study”. During the 1990′s, psychologists from the Universität der Künste examined violinists to determine who the highest achievers were and why. Fascinated by the findings, I read the article, “The role of deliberate practice in the acquisition of expert performance” that was published in the Psychological Review.
They came up with some very interesting findings. I think these findings are applicable to how we help our teens perform to the best of their ability.
One of the biggest findings challenged the idea that some are innately smart or talented in a certain area. Now, this is not to say that some teens are not more inclined to like athletics, music, or academics. However, they noted that to be truly gifted at something required practice and dedication. Often times, those that were considered “elite” had been
